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Showing posts from August, 2018

A Practice Letter to My Wife

Intro: I would love to have the following conversation with my wife. However, we are at a point in our marriage where I do not believe the outcome would be a positive one. I don't think that our communication is strong enough to allow understanding and compassion. I fear that revealing this information to her would turn into immediate resentment and anger on her part. Also, I fear that admitting this will result in her using it against me throughout our marriage as she has done with other things I have been open and honest about. I am open to any suggestions or input regarding how I should bring this up, or even if it's worth it at this point.

Depression and Suicide - Part 2

Part 2 Depression as an Atheist Faith Crisis:
I don't think the phrase Faith Crisis fits with my story. My major problem is with the word "crisis." When I hear that word, I think it usually implies some kind of struggle, hardship, or trauma, usually lasting for a long period of time. I can understand how my story could be described as a faith crisis, but I choose not to use that terminology. Instead, I prefer to say that I experienced a faith realization. My issues with faith and believing were not traumatic. Others that I have known, that go through a change in belief or loss of faith, would describe it as a very traumatic experience and a struggle. For me, the moment I no longer accepted the concept of faith, it was a freeing realization. I felt like I was being honest with myself and finally coming to terms with doubts and cognitive dissonance. This realization came a few years after my second bout with major depression.

Depression and Suicide - Part 1

Warning: In the next 2 entries, I will be discussing details about my struggles with severe depression and suicidal ideology. If you are sensitive to such material, please feel free to skip these posts.

PART 1 Depression as a Mormon
I want to begin by explaining that I do not believe that being raised in an LDS environment was the cause or origin of my depression. I think, for the most part, the goal of the church is to provide support and encouragement to those who are suffering. That being said, I now see how certain beliefs that I held as a true believing Mormon attributed to my justification of wanting to commit suicide.

The Imaginary Shelf

Placing an item on your shelf is a concept that is well known in the exmormon world. Simply put, there is an imaginary shelf (in our minds) where we can put our problems or concerns regarding church teachings, and later on go back and explore them or forget about them entirely. I don't think this is unique to Mormonism, but it tends to be a very common phrase. The wife of former LDS President Spencer W. Kimball, Camilla Kimball, was most likely the first to mention this idea in regards to Mormon theology.

Where Do Your Morals Come From?

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.   -Albert Einstein
I first came across the quote above in Richard Dawkins book The God Delusion and I felt an immediate understanding of the importance of morality. Part of the appeal was because this was a concept I struggled with as a missionary for my church. In fact, during my first week in the mission field, I remember praying intensely for better understanding of good and evil and the reasoning behind God creating Satan in the first place. If God is all knowing, wouldn't he know that Satan would be a problem and the cause of terrible strife? Why would God allow evil to exist when he has the power to stop it? Besides, the bible itself states that God is the one who creates evil.